veebox: Dave Strider ☆ Homestuck (all my underdogs)
[personal profile] veebox
Okay so y'all know how I was accepted and shit to Suffolk and was going to live in Boston and had an off campus place to stay but was last minute able to get on campus housing? Yeah okay so everything was pretty set and shit.

Mom came back from Peru to visit (she didn't come out of her way to, she just had to use the other half of a round trip ticket because when she bought the ticket to Peru she didn't have a visa, therefore could not get a one-way and yeah anyway), and we made sure all the financial aid was in order, that the loans were requested (but we hadn't accepted them yet), and yada yada yada. She was even planning on coming to Orientation with me and to help me move in! Like, wow, good job mom, thank you the support. In addition, we went to the storage unit and dug through everything and to the very very very back to get my old dorm bedding to fit the stupidly long twin-sized mattresses and shit.

And then we went to Clarendon.

I don't know what her sister told her, but essentially mom pulled out of helping me. Because I don't have credit and something else needed to get loans without a co-signer (believe me, I tried), I can't do it on my own. So, this left the loans on her credit. And I understand getting worried about paying a HUGE AMOUNT of money back, like that concern is understandable. So mom decided that I'd inevitably fuck up (as per usual), and would ruin her perfect sparkling credit. In order to protect her credit, she pulled the rug from under me and spent the entire trip constantly berating me about how stupid it was to expect to go to Suffolk ("with those Liberals" I quote) or to even leave Texas, and her sister and dad joined in pretty quick.

So, yeah, emotionally I wasn't doing so hot, especially after she said that the credit thing would ruin her entire life and when I asked what I was supposed to do now (going to school would have let me have a consistent place to live and a consistent supply of food), she said, "You're homeless and broke, you figure it out."

Let me bold and italicize and blockquote that.

"You're homeless and broke, you figure it out."


Okay, now that that's done, time to move on to how my gramma is the best ever, and I'll be referring to her as Mimi.

So Mimi also came to Clarendon to visit, and while she tried to talk me down about stuff, she was a lot less "berating for the sake of reminding you that you're a stupid fuck up" and more "I want you to understand and make sure you're okay with all of this and it's going to be alright," and while I guess that makes me sound like a woobie, I'm on 300mg of depression meds for a reason. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to take them in the middle of all this and that was dumb and I was, to put it simply, very very sad. I feel pretty lucky that I didn't panic and didn't need to pop my panic meds.

We talked, went to eat pizza at Pizza Hut, and we just talked about stuff and she's the one parental-y family member I feel comfortable talking to and she's the most understanding without being a pushover, etc. And for the first few years of my life, she basically raised me since I was a college dorm accident and mom just trucked on through school and yeah moving on. So we talked, and we discussed a lot of different plan ideas, and it was really great to talk to her. Mom sure as hell wasn't helping me figure out that stuff. I like to do things on my own, but god I don't think I could handle this without help and wow I sound like a baby.

In the end, while it would be a lot easier to stay in Dallas (I could get jobs easier, definitely), I don't have a place to stay until next Spring-ish, so I'm going to be pchooo'ing to Wichita Falls. I know, grody. I hate it there, and my great-aunt's house (where Mimi and my bum cousin live) is literally a house of smoke and smoke and oh dear god. They both smoke like fucking chimneys in the house and have for years and I'm pretty sure my cousin does weed in his room so there's that. And as I learned from staying in the spare room in Jacky's house where smoke always went through the vents and right into, smoke exposure apparently makes me sick. Like can't talk and ill and gross kind of sick.

But the unsavory conditions aside, Mimi is a lot more welcoming than my dad was, and she's more encouraging me to figure things out on my own time, no pressure, and god she and my aunt will be cooking all the time oh my god Southern cooking at its best. Living with dad put me in huge ruts of severe depression (often to the point of self-mutilation fantasies, about 85%-90% of the time), hence why I got the fuck out of there.

I could get an Associate's degree at the local school in a semester or two, thanks to a boat load of previously earned credits, and there are definitely enough places to get jobs, so I guess the only thing I have to worry about there is the smoke thing. And the fact that it's Wichita Fucking Falls.

That all said, I plan on leaving tomorrow morning after I take Abby to the airport, unless idk if someone wants me to chill at their house for a night to hang out or something, I have no time pressure. I'd like to mosey back to Dallas for A-Fest (ghosting, I'm not giving that con my money), but that will depend on if mom is going to give me the money she promised she would give me. At this point I'm not really trusting her to do that.

I'm belatedly angry and upset that she led me on like that. Like, I was just sitting around and suddenly I was overcome with feels I don't know how to handle and it was horrible and cries. Dad and I have been talking lately (FOR ONCE OH MY GOD) and we're just chill and we're still fiddling with all that insurance shit and how we're going to handle my phone bill payments. That's all a work in progress. Trans-related things aren't really involved with this but I'm pretty sad that I'll have to pretend to be a girl when I go to Wichita Falls. But it's not like I've had to do that for long periods of time before.

SO, that's my life update, because god I don't want to keep verbally passing this on. I probably forgot some stuff.

If you have questions or whatever you can comment here or plurk, don't text because my phone's nowhere near me.